Drugs, Lobotomy and Time Travel

In a slightly constrained rage, I walked out today. I was upset at Sean, frustrated with the task of reorganizing and editing the non-intuitive, antique POS (point-of-sale) system so we can update our cafe menus and pricing, and just generally over this whole “thing.” I didn’t walk-out walk-out, like quit our marriage or anything, but I left the casino and came home.

cry meme heartI thought about driving away, but didn’t know where to go. We are, after all, in the middle of nowhere. My car isn’t an off road type vehicle, and I just wanted to be alone to sulk in my anxiety and frustration. To daydream about not agreeing to take on this business in the first place, and not leave all of my friends, family, colleagues and what seems like every opportunity and advancement behind. To imagine, with a lump in my throat, what would happen if I decided that this isn’t going to work out. *Gulp*

But, my car won’t take me off road for a good hard cry, it’s far too fancy and sophisticated for that. Rather than drive anywhere, I came inside the house and power-cleaned. It’s one of the few things down here that I know needs doing, and am certain I can do on my own. When I finished cleaning, I decided that I had been bottling things up too long, that it was time for an HONEST post about my time here, so far.

I feel like, to make this whole McDermitt, Say When Casino thing work, I am going to need one of the following:

  1. Mood stabilizers – or some sort of other drug that makes me numb, and not give a shit, and not imagine life any other way than it is in it’s current state.
  2. A lobotomy – to fit in here and possibly make some friends. Plus, all of the above.
  3. A time machine – knowing what I know now, to start over. Not all the way over, but to not have moved down here without a trial run. To have waited for Sean’s mom to move-out first. To have studied and researched what this business needs, what it’s going to take to make it better; or at least, sellable. Maybe, to have said no to Sean in the first place. To still be in Boise with my great job, friends, community, and things to look forward to.

I haven’t written much yet about this experience because it’s been hard. I don’t want to rant or worry anyone, which is what I’m afraid will happen if I am honest. And really, I am fine, just frustrated.

textFirst of all, I am experiencing SO MANY EMOTIONS and ideas and regrets and realizations that it is hard to share what I am going through in written words. And there is part of me that wants all of this to be peachy-keen. I want to be tough; to handle any situation thrown at me with positivity and successful outcomes. But, things are so very different here than anything or anywhere I’ve been. And poor, poor Sean who must deal with me and all of my emotions. POOR SEAN.

I am not giving up. I love Sean. I love that we have this weird, random kinda bizarre opportunity to build something together. I just need to strengthen my head (and heart). I would say “to take control of the situation,” but that is just not a reality. This situation definitely has taken control of me. Again, frustrating. I am my own woman, and do things my own way – but here, I just kind of need to go with the flow, no matter how backwards or idiotic or cheap or sad or slow it is.

bill ted gif

12 Comments Add yours

  1. Jenny says:

    I now regret that text I sent you yesterday re: burgers in McD. Also, was Bill always that much cuter than Ted? I never noticed before.

    1. ladufurrena says:

      Thanks for texting, either way. Ted is still cuter than Bill, to me. But, you prefer the light meat, and I dark.

  2. Sarah says:

    I don’t have anything helpful to say, I don’t think, but… I care immensely and I wish there was something I could do, more than expressing concern and being hopeful for resolution. I suppose taking some comfort that you’re really awesome isn’t enough right now, but…. sigh. Crappy stuff is crappy. Maybe you can come over for dinner while you’re here. That’s a thing I do. (please don’t get a lobotomy)

    1. ladufurrena says:

      Thanks for being so sweet Sarah! Really, I’m ok. I just don’t have some of the other posts on here that puts this one in better context. xoxo

  3. Sarah says:

    Garlic soup this weekend at Gernika if that’s helpful?

  4. Maria says:

    Hmm I know exactly where you live so I’m not about to compare apples and oranges lol but I have had the same meltdown while living here in NZ not once but a few times. I think the only thing I can say is that I finally had to give up on everything I had or knew about having and just be open to everything without judgment. From the little things not being able to get an iced coffee, good mexican food, to watching 2 year old Project Runways to the big things not getting paid well for my job and generally just not understanding cultural norms. After my last visit to the US I think I just decided I had to live in the now and what is and feel like I am more settled. I mean I still miss my friends and family and don’t think that will ever change but I’m definitely happier now. Anyways just my two cents miss ya xx

    1. ladufurrena says:

      Thanks for the comment Maria, it means a lot coming from you… knowing how hard your adjustment in NZ (so far away) must have been. I’m thankful for what you said about moving on, and not dwelling on the what-hads or what-ifs. 🙂

    1. Kelly says:

      Leigh Ann honey I’m sorry you are feeling this way. I have talked to your mom about you often wondering how such a vibrant young beautiful woman could move to the middle of nowhere but she assured me you are so strong. I know I haven’t been around you but I can see from you posts how you love to be with people & be yourself. I’m sure this has been hard for you but you love your husband & want what is what he wants. I’m sure it will get better. You will find a way to have it all. I do think you need to speak up & let him know your feelings because that could bottle up & cause big problems. You are number one to yourself. Be happy. Love you.

      1. ladufurrena says:

        Thanks Kelly ~ xoxo

  5. karen bubb says:

    I just came back from a Jungian lecture about mythology and creativity and stories about descending into the underworld, giving up our precious symbols of power at the gateways into the deep dark and then learning what we need to learn there or retrieving some part of ourselves then figuring out how to get the fuck out in one piece. So just think of yourself as Innana or Persephone on an underworld journey, naked and in danger, but kicking ass and taking numbers. What gollums do you need to assist you or Greek gods to show up and rub your feet? Rock on goddess Leigh Ann.

    1. ladufurrena says:

      Wow, thanks Karen! Your message is awesome and inspiring and help me in this surreal journey!

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