In a slightly constrained rage, I walked out today. I was upset at Sean, frustrated with the task of reorganizing and editing the non-intuitive, antique POS (point-of-sale) system so we can update our cafe menus and pricing, and just generally over this whole “thing.” I didn’t walk-out walk-out, like quit our marriage or anything, but I left the casino and came home.
I thought about driving away, but didn’t know where to go. We are, after all, in the middle of nowhere. My car isn’t an off road type vehicle, and I just wanted to be alone to sulk in my anxiety and frustration. To daydream about not agreeing to take on this business in the first place, and not leave all of my friends, family, colleagues and what seems like every opportunity and advancement behind. To imagine, with a lump in my throat, what would happen if I decided that this isn’t going to work out. *Gulp*
But, my car won’t take me off road for a good hard cry, it’s far too fancy and sophisticated for that. Rather than drive anywhere, I came inside the house and power-cleaned. It’s one of the few things down here that I know needs doing, and am certain I can do on my own. When I finished cleaning, I decided that I had been bottling things up too long, that it was time for an HONEST post about my time here, so far.
I feel like, to make this whole McDermitt, Say When Casino thing work, I am going to need one of the following:
- Mood stabilizers – or some sort of other drug that makes me numb, and not give a shit, and not imagine life any other way than it is in it’s current state.
- A lobotomy – to fit in here and possibly make some friends. Plus, all of the above.
- A time machine – knowing what I know now, to start over. Not all the way over, but to not have moved down here without a trial run. To have waited for Sean’s mom to move-out first. To have studied and researched what this business needs, what it’s going to take to make it better; or at least, sellable. Maybe, to have said no to Sean in the first place. To still be in Boise with my great job, friends, community, and things to look forward to.
I haven’t written much yet about this experience because it’s been hard. I don’t want to rant or worry anyone, which is what I’m afraid will happen if I am honest. And really, I am fine, just frustrated.
First of all, I am experiencing SO MANY EMOTIONS and ideas and regrets and realizations that it is hard to share what I am going through in written words. And there is part of me that wants all of this to be peachy-keen. I want to be tough; to handle any situation thrown at me with positivity and successful outcomes. But, things are so very different here than anything or anywhere I’ve been. And poor, poor Sean who must deal with me and all of my emotions. POOR SEAN.
I am not giving up. I love Sean. I love that we have this weird, random kinda bizarre opportunity to build something together. I just need to strengthen my head (and heart). I would say “to take control of the situation,” but that is just not a reality. This situation definitely has taken control of me. Again, frustrating. I am my own woman, and do things my own way – but here, I just kind of need to go with the flow, no matter how backwards or idiotic or cheap or sad or slow it is.